I am not who I was designed to be. I am my own enemy.

I hurt the people around me and myself. I am dysfunctional, damaged and lost. My constant companion guilt, shame and pain. The aim was to give and receive love, but this is a mess. A mess with more than two loser. Everyone involved got hurt, that is the consequence of sin.

And now that I am standing here, facing my failure, I realize that I have to let go of my stubborn heart. I realize that I hit rock bottom and I can not get out of this mess on my own. We all tried to hide our brokenness behind each other, but running away wont free us. I feel completely defenseless and naked as I confess my sin, almost like everybody is watching me and pointing at me.

I am so sorry. Sorry for disappointing the one I love, sorry for hurting the one I care for, but worse yet, sorry for disappointing God. 

And as I am repenting and hurting people while turning my back on sin I feel like maybe I am doing the wrong thing. Maybe this sin is not sin but God makes an exception for me. Truth is, God does not change and neither does His Word. Sin is sin and we ought to let it go!

Now I am standing in this awkward space of forgiveness and for the first time of my life I experience real mercy. The truth brings freedom. I stand in awe of Gods mercy. I do not deserve it but He made me worthy of it.

As I get on the passenger seat, I am letting God back on the driver seat, for I know that He is a much better driver than me. All I do is get into accidents, get injured, hurt others and accumulate trauma and mental scars. I am done driving.

I am my own enemy but Gods Grace is sufficient to deliver me of this captivity. No longer must I carry around the guilt, shame and pain. My Failures doesn’t determine my destination!

There is no condemnation in Jesus Christ, thus the opinion of human do not define my character. No longer must I hide behind men for if God is for me, who can be against me?

by R.